The future is here with self-driving cars
A humour piece by Melvin Durai
Tesla Motors, a company that produces high-tech electric cars, recently
gave owners of the Tesla Model S the opportunity to make their cars
self-driving. They can now sit back, relax and let their cars do all the
work, whether it’s steering, switching lanes or waving a finger at other
drivers. Well, perhaps not the latter, but you can bet that’s in the
works: a digital screen that displays angry gestures to other motorists.
To make their cars self-driving, Tesla owners simply had to download
Autopilot software and, just like that, their cars were able to drive
themselves. Meanwhile, drivers like me were filled with envy. I can’t
afford a Tesla, so all I could do was scold my Honda: “Why can’t you be
more like a Tesla? Why do I have to do all the steering?”
The Tesla Model S uses a camera, radar, ultrasonic sensors, and GPS to
drive itself. Each car has 12 long-range ultrasonic sensors that can
sense 16 feet around the car in every direction at all speeds. What that
means, of course, is that these cars have much better vision than a human
and can protect themselves from hitting any object. And unlike a human,
they’re never distracted by an attractive figure in tight jeans.
“Tesla Autopilot relieves drivers of the most tedious and potentially
dangerous aspects of road travel,” the company says. “We’re building
Autopilot to give you more confidence behind the wheel, increase your
safety on the road, and make highway driving more enjoyable.”
It sounds great in principle, but I’m not sure if I’d really enjoy having
a self-driving car, even if I could afford one. The idea of sitting in the
driver’s seat without much to do (except occasionally directing the car)
doesn’t appeal to me. That’s why, when my family travels anywhere, I’m
usually in the driver’s seat, except on those rare occasions when my wife
insists on driving. Having her do the driving is the closest I’ll ever get
to an Autopilot feature. I can just sit back and direct her: “Reduce your
speed. Make a left turn. Come to a stop. Order a burger and fries for me.”
The main difference between my wife and Autopilot is that Autopilot, I
presume, would never tell me to shut up. Actually, the main difference is
that my wife hates to drive on the highway, whereas Autopilot is intended
mainly for highway driving. Just imagine yourself zooming down the highway
at 80 mph, with your hands completely off the steering wheel.
Come to think of it, that’s a scary thought. An Autopilot-controlled car
isn’t infallible and, as Tesla Motors states, “The driver is still
responsible for, and ultimately in control of, the car.” In other words,
the driver must still pay attention and be ready to take over in case
something goes wrong. But if drivers aren’t required to keep their hands
on the steering wheel, I can only imagine where those hands might be ”“
perhaps playing a game of travel chess, holding a slice of pizza, or using
a cellphone to send a message: “Nothing better than texting at 100 miles
per hour. I love my car’s self-driving feature.”
Next thing you know, the car goes off the road and the driver sends
another text message: “Help! The car is in a lake and it doesn’t seem to
have a self-swimming feature.”
Despite the potential risks, I’m sure Autopilot will benefit a lot of
drivers. Elderly drivers, for example, may be able to continue driving,
even after their skills have diminished. An Autopilot-enabled car can take
them wherever they want to go. If traffic is backed-up for miles, please
be patient. It might be Bingo Night at the Legion Hall.
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Melvin Durai is an Illinois-based writer and humorist, author
of the humorous novel “Bala Takes the Plunge.” A
native of India, he grew up in Zambia and has lived in North
America since the early 1980s. Read his humor blog at
http://www.Nshima.com Write to him at
melvin@melvindurai.com
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